Here we are in one of the most magical months of the twelve month cycle. It’s a season of pumpkin pie consumption, alluring red coffee sleeves from Starbucks, and being thankful for gluttony. But more than any of these reasons (Because I’m American, and am therefore allowed to arbitrarily rank things however I wish) is that we get to enjoy the preferred nut of cultured men everywhere, the mustaccio.
A brief walk through history is all one need take to see the warmth of the mustache fire which men are inexplicably drawn to. It is a transcender of race and culture, bringing people together across borders and even oceans. Just look at photos of the Big Three from World War II – Stalin, FDR, and Churchill. Of the three of them, who looks the most comfortable and friendly? Stalin. Would we make a deal with an angry communist? I think not, and we certainly wouldn’t have won the war without the aid of Russia. So it’s no stretch to say that Stalin’s stache won WWII. Now if only he disarmed his nuclear weapons in the way that his mustache disarmed the suspicion of others.
The list of notably stached leaders goes on and on. Here are but a few:
Martin Luther King Jr – He not only had a dream, but a dreamy mustache.
Walter Kronkite – The most trusted stache in news.
Gehngis Khan – The Largest empire in world history. And he wasn’t eating Wheaties for breakfast. Nope, he was eating his own facial hair; with that much it’s hard not to.
Mark Twain – Obviously there is a direct correlation between facial hair and humor.
Albert Einstein – E = mustache squared.
Tom Selleck – His mustache has not one, but many of its own Facebook pages (approximately one page for each strand of facial hair) and is one of the 7 wonders of the modern world.
It is said that the only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn from history. So let’s take a page from these great men and re-stache the world. Some of the fringe benefits of the mustaccio include, but are not limited to:
Increased lady appeal. Tom Selleck; enough said.
Decreased likelihood of getting skin cancer. A mustache actually reduces exposure to radiation; this is science speaking.
Heightened impression of gentlemanly behavior and sophistication. This increase is roughly in the 60% range according to a survey done by The Guardian.
Tax breaks. A group is currently working on trying to place a bill before Congress which would allow men who choose to sport the stache a tax cut of $250 dollars. Be the stache you want to see in the world.
The respect of your peers. There’s really nothing quite like a manly-mustached head nod. It’s a rite of passage unlike any other.
Financial Stability. Some Indian police precincts actually offer pay raises for officers willing to sport the stache.
So this November as you’re planning your holiday festivities, don’t forget the upper lip napkin that men have been choosing for generations. And don’t forget to check out and support www.Movember.com and give to the cause. Movember is a month dedicated to Bro Mo’s, but more than that it’s dedicated prostate cancer donation and research. So it’s more than just the style that keeps on giving; it’s making a difference, and looking pretty darn good doing it.