My Mustache brings all the Girls to the Yard

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Here we are in one of the most magical months of the twelve month cycle. It’s a season of pumpkin pie consumption, alluring red coffee sleeves from Starbucks, and being thankful for gluttony. But more than any of these reasons (Because I’m American, and am therefore allowed to arbitrarily rank things however I wish) is that we get to enjoy the preferred nut of cultured men everywhere, the mustaccio.

A brief walk through history is all one need take to see the warmth of the mustache fire which men are inexplicably drawn to. It is a transcender of race and culture, bringing people together across borders and even oceans. Just look at photos of the Big Three from World War II – Stalin, FDR, and Churchill. Of the three of them, who looks the most comfortable and friendly? Stalin. Would we make a deal with an angry communist? I think not, and we certainly wouldn’t have won the war without the aid of Russia. So it’s no stretch to say that Stalin’s stache won WWII. Now if only he disarmed his nuclear weapons in the way that his mustache disarmed the suspicion of others.

The list of notably stached leaders goes on and on. Here are but a few:

Martin Luther King Jr – He not only had a dream, but a dreamy mustache.

Walter Kronkite – The most trusted stache in news.

Gehngis Khan – The Largest empire in world history. And he wasn’t eating Wheaties for breakfast. Nope, he was eating his own facial hair; with that much it’s hard not to.

Mark Twain – Obviously there is a direct correlation between facial hair and humor.

Albert Einstein – E = mustache squared.

Tom Selleck – His mustache has not one, but many of its own Facebook pages (approximately one page for each strand of facial hair) and is one of the 7 wonders of the modern world.

It is said that the only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn from history. So let’s take a page from these great men and re-stache the world. Some of the fringe benefits of the mustaccio include, but are not limited to:

Increased lady appeal. Tom Selleck; enough said.

Decreased likelihood of getting skin cancer. A mustache actually reduces exposure to radiation; this is science speaking.

Heightened impression of gentlemanly behavior and sophistication. This increase is roughly in the 60% range according to a survey done by The Guardian.

Tax breaks. A group is currently working on trying to place a bill before Congress which would allow men who choose to sport the stache a tax cut of $250 dollars. Be the stache you want to see in the world.

The respect of your peers. There’s really nothing quite like a manly-mustached head nod. It’s a rite of passage unlike any other.

Financial Stability. Some Indian police precincts actually offer pay raises for officers willing to sport the stache.

So this November as you’re planning your holiday festivities, don’t forget the upper lip napkin that men have been choosing for generations. And don’t forget to check out and support www.Movember.com and give to the cause. Movember is a month dedicated to Bro Mo’s, but more than that it’s dedicated prostate cancer donation and research. So it’s more than just the style that keeps on giving; it’s making a difference, and looking pretty darn good doing it.

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165 thoughts on “My Mustache brings all the Girls to the Yard

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  1. I have a mustache and I am no chick magnet. My black book had one page. But I married the girl of my dreams and she has never seen me without it. I think it makes me look distinguished.

  2. This post made me giggle several times! I think you sold me on the importance of the mustaccio, not only in our past but in our future. You may want to document the amazing growth of your “upper lip napkin” so we can all poke fun…I mean enjoy!

    1. Glad you enjoyed it! And you can bet on some super-stache digital documentation to follow, as everyone waits with bated breath. Of course no one’s upper lipholstery is quite up to par with the standard of Magnum’s, but shoot for the stars, eh?

  3. This leading actor which I grew up knowing as Magnum P.I is starring alongside one of my greatest loves ever in this lifetime “Donnie Wahlberg”. Mangum has gone from P.I to NYPD Commissioner. Love the Stache lol..

    1. Magnum PI simply set the standard – both for TV shows and stache’s alike. And I’m pretty sure it was the stache that got him the promotion, just like the Indian cops! Can’t argue with empirical evidence.

  4. Reblogged this on lyludel and commented:
    This leading actor which I grew up knowing as Magnum P.I is starring alongside one of my greatest loves ever in this lifetime “Donnie Wahlberg”. Mangum has gone from P.I to NYPD Commissioner. Love the Stache lol..

  5. Great post! I recently found out about a fun, competitive twist. A group of my guy friends are placing their Novembeards at the mercy of the highest bidders come the end of November. The individual simply says/marks how the guy must shave then they will appear in class having cut their hair that way! The proceeds go to a good cause too.

    1. Thanks! And that is a brilliant idea! I’m definitely going to have to snatch that one up in the future. It’s tough to get people to support a stache sometimes, but that gets instant buy-in. Thanks for sharing.

  6. great post and a great support for an awesome cause. Congrats on making freshly pressed and using one of the most impressive of all mo’s…..Tom Selleck!

  7. I wonder if women could start something like this… no shave (your legs) saint patricks day? Or Make-up-less May? Or Deodorant Free December?

    Actually, that could start to become pretty un-hygienic. Maybe not…

    1. Actually, I do know a few ladies who jump on board the No Shave November bandwagon. I guess it’s a little more European?
      And one person I forgot to include was Frida Kahlo, who was a Mexican painter that pretty much set the pace for the femstache trend. But fortunately, if imitation is the surest form of flattery, I don’t think she’s been flattered too much from what I’ve seen.

  8. Great article! I am currently showing my support by growing out my own mustache! Trying to get my girl to be a MO Sista this month too for this cause. I did wear my fair share of bright pink last month for her. Let’s pass that bill and maybe I can earn some extra money for the Movember charity with that tax break…would be nice!!

  9. I was born with the sad genetics of not being able to grow facial hair. Even so, nice article and congrats on being Freshly Waxed…er Pressed. 🙂

  10. Fabulous! Original, well stated and funny. Thanks for enlightening me on the importance of the stache. As a woman, I’m not sure I could totally understand its importance but I have a much better grasp now. 🙂 Oh… and congrats on FP!

    1. Hey, thanks for checking it out! It’s just one of those topics that I’m surprised people haven’t written more on. I mean, when you’ve got something that links both Gandhi and Tom Selleck, you’ve got magic, pure and simple. I’m glad to have helped enlighten you! So spread the Movember magic. 🙂

  11. 🙂 congrats on FP! I don’t think moustache looks good on everybody, but in general I’m all thumbs up for moustache! 😉

    1. Thanks a lot! I’m definitely pretty psyched about it. 🙂 And I would have to agree that it doesn’t work for everyone. But at least it’s better to try growing one and see what you think than it is shaving your head to find it lumpy and misshapen, right?

  12. Well when it comes to a mustache, it really all depends on the person and the location . For example, the last place in the world that I want to see a mustache is behind the deli counter and behind the bagel counter. Too many of those guys play with their mustaches while they are handling food. What’s up with that?

    It is only my opinion that anyone working with food, restaurants, delis , donut places those kinds of establishments, they should have clean faces and clean habits. If a guy can’t keep his hands off his mustache , there’s no way that i want to purchase anything in that store. IMO 3

  13. Yay! That’s a great post! And as a biology student, I am impressed by the relationship you pointed out between the mustache and skin cancer. Hilarious.

    1. Hey, thanks a lot! I enjoyed that science connection as well. Apparently women with long hair and guys with beards also have the same advantage, but I focused on the Mustacharoni, the true San Francisco treat!

  14. Cracking post, gave me a good chuckle and such a worthy cause I’d try growing one myself but I don’t think I could pull it off.
    My uncle was actually sent home from school for having a moustache when he was thirteen/ fourteen the men in our family get hairy thankfully the women aren’t so bad.

    1. Glad to entertain! And it may be best not to try, not everyone can be Frida Kahlo. And to be sent home from school for being too hairy? That’s some kind of school rule.

  15. My husband did movember 2 years ago.. except it lasted til Boxing Day. Loved this post but I will not be sharing it with my husband, it will only re-affirm his love he had for his tash and make him do it all over again..

  16. Good blog, but I worry about the WW2 analogy as you missed out a prominent mo wearer who was involved that could undermine your hypothesis. (My ‘Mo’ jst starting to look less like an accident now.)

    1. Thanks! Yes, I suppose I choose to focus on the helpstache instead of the evilstache, though evilstache could easily describe both. And it’s really just hard to find the funny in the Hitstache. And go Mo or go home!

      1. haha. I know that when I have had a manuscript for an American publisher in mind, everything has to be changed to US dictionary, and then back to Australian English for one down here…It’s good to see some of our cultural differences, but in essence, we’re all brothers 🙂

    1. Handle-bar’s are truly unequaled in their sheer awesomeness. I gave one a go last year, changed my life. And we are definitely two countries separated by a common language! 🙂

  17. I recently discovered not, undercover ofcourse, but then I told her that a lady always must go through the door first when a true hero and gentleman opens the door if there is a trap…

  18. OK no one told me not to shave today and I shaved it all today from the neck up anyway… now I know to let it all hang out in November thanks for writing on the topic… Tom will always be the one to follow when it comes to whiskers.

  19. My husband has had a red-haired mustache and beard since we met. At first I was not a fan, but I’ve come to accept it and like it. I have only ever seen his actual chin once in the 9 years I have known him! I liked reading this article; it was fun.

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