How to Avoid the Monday Morning Zombie Dance: In 5 Easy Steps

Case-of-the-mondays (1)

It always happens the same way. You wake up; it’s staring you right in the face. Oddly immune to your morning breath defense system, the excited bundle of pain just sits there waiting to pounce on you. He owns you, and you both know it.

Now, give yourself some credit. You have at least put forth a valiant effort to keep it away. Just last week you chewed it out on Facebook (even gave it a frowny face emoticon – the king of all emotional communicators). And the week before, you give it three big sighs and shrill “WHYYYYYY” before even getting out of bed. But, despite your best efforts, the end result is the same. Monday always comes around.

So if you’re in need of help getting through the most heinous of weekly rituals (the realization that Monday has breached your lack of awareness perimeter), then here are a few helpful tips to surviving Monday:

1)      Avoid Social Media. If you’re reading this blog on Monday, this means you’ve already failed today. (Granted, it is Monday, so I’ll cut you some slack.) The frequenters of social sites on Mondays tend to be real Negative Nancy’s. Humans, having a herd mentality, believe about 73.9% of what we read on these sites, (Also, 15% of you will believe that stat, while the other 85% realize that 90% of all stats posted in blogs are made up on the spot) and easily mimic their emotions. So avoiding negative input, and hang out with that one annoying guy who loves Mondays.

2)      Run from people with a “case of the Monday’s.” If you see someone with a “Monday face,” run the other direction. First, this falls in the avoiding negative input category like tip #1. Secondly, it gives you a great cardiovascular workout, which releases endorphins (AKA the natural happy drug).  Third, if you see the “Monday” people as zombies, you can make a game out it without even needing to purchase an app. And finally, you may end up in a part of the building where you’ve never been and have to find your way back to the cubicle from whence you emerged. And who doesn’t like a good adventure?

3)      Hate something else. According to Wikipedia, transference is “the redirection of feelings…toward a new object.” On Mondays find something else you hate and hate it more. For example, like the over 478,000 loyal Facebook followers, you can hate clowns. Sure, this is the equivalent to stomping on your foot to avoid feeling the paper cut on your finger and is by no means a long-term fix. In fact it may just give you more to discuss with your therapist in the long run, but will at least deal with the present adversary.

4)      Make a list of things you like about Monday and add something new each week. The first week it might only be that you get to make a list on Monday (for the OCDers out there), or you can add in ceremoniously burning the list when you’re done (for the pyros). List-making and positive associations are both effective therapeutic tools. Yet, it also just gives you one more thing that needs to be done on Mondays. So number four is really a give and take.

5)      Lock yourself in the room for the day. Sensory and time deprivation techniques have a long-standing tradition as effective brainwashing techniques. And who’s to argue with results, eh? So lock yourself in dark room with no time-telling devices, give someone you trust a key, and tell them to let you out on Tuesday. Not only does this allow you to avoid Monday altogether, but it may eventually lead you to believe that Monday does not even exist. (Time/sensory deprivation is easily combined with tip number three; it’s pretty easy to hate someone who locks you in a room without light or time for a day.)

So go ahead and cue the Rocky music and classic 80’s victory montage. You know how to conquer Monday, and you didn’t even have to fight a Russian to do it.  No longer must you cower in the dark (unless you’ve chosen number five) repeatedly hitting “snooze.” You don’t even have to do the Monday morning zombie dance as you inch up the line at your local caffeinating hole. Monday can be defeated, and you can do it. Dust yourself off, brush your teeth (for the sake of your coworkers), and show Monday who’s in charge.

(In the hypothetical situation where one of these techniques does not work out, just remember you’re only expected to experience about eleven years worth of Mondays in your life. And you can put with just about anything for eleven years, right?)


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